Find Out How You Can Save Lives
25 Saves Lives Campaign is a brand new giving option that Next Door has just recently
launched. Posted on the Next Door website in November, the 25 Saves Lives Campaign
will help increase donations while making it easier to support Next Door. The 25 Saves
Lives Campaign uses an online platform, which allows donors to make a convenient
recurring $25/month donation charged to a credit card every month instead of a larger
one-time donation. Giving $25 dollars a month is equivalent to about 83 cents a day.
MAKE A RECURRING MONTHLY DONATION.
What can 83 cents a day do? Giving 83 cents a day can give Next Door’s shelters
beds, food, clothing, and other supplies needed. The benefits of giving to Next Door
include: getting women and children immediate safety away from their abusers, providing
knowledge and support for women who are being abused, and providing women
and children with programs so they are able to get back on their feet. A small amount
each month can make a big difference.
Can Proposition 8 Save Lives?
January 13, 2010
Hi folks,
What a waste to have another life lost to domestic violence. Norma “Leti” Martinez died after allegedly being run over by her girlfriend, Jennifer Bautista. The facts of the case are still vague, but what is known is that Ms. Bautista filed a restraining order against Ms. Martinez about a year ago that was granted and were known to have had a violent and abusive relationship. Another life lost to domestic violence and I have to ask why? How could this have been prevented? Did the fact that they were a same sex couple have anything to do with further barriers they faced to receiving services that could have prevented this death? And if they did have services that they could have accessed, would they have had equal access to justice through those services, the same access to justice that heterosexuals would receive? Domestic violence occurs in roughly one-third of intimate relationships, regardless of sexual orientation. But while there are barriers to services that help heterosexual victims of domestic violence, wouldn’t there be even more hurdles for LGBTQ victims of domestic violence. Put another way, could we have somehow as a society prevented this death?
Ironically, discussion about this domestic violence tragedy comes as the US District Court in San Francisco weighs in on the constitutionality of Proposition 8, which added language to the California Constitution that says that “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California,” effectively banning and making illegal same sex marriages. Of course they can have domestic partnerships, a sort of marriage that is separate, but equal in the eyes of the law. And yet, another obstacle for an already ostracized community. This immense effort to provide GLBTQ community with equal rights beckons the question: what kind of effort would it take for a lesbian in a domestic violence relationship to come out doubly to friends, family and a greater society that already views her relationship as a second tier, one already not worthy of equal protection and understanding under the law. What kind of effort must it be for a gay couple to seek services that address domestic violence? How difficult it must be for members of this community to seek the same kind of attention for domestic violence that impacts their members.
For community members who are not in actuality seen as equals, how might they overcome victimization from domestic violence? Not without a societal sea change would we be able to offer them the same kinds of life-saving services that we provide now to women and men who have left life-threatening relationships. In the same way that we have started to recognize the rights of immigrants and sought to help immigrant victims of domestic violence, a once invisible population of victims, now we should recognize the rights of same sex couples, that they have a right to marry and that they have a right to the same unfettered access to justice and services that help them leave life-threatening, violent and abusive relationships.
To do this, legislators need to acknowledge that there are communities in their jurisdictions where individuals do not enjoy equal access to what we consider inalienable and undeniable rights. But for them to acknowledge this, they need to hear it first from you. I urge you to contact your local congressperson and ask them what they are going to do in order to prevent any other domestic violence deaths, from the GLBTQ community and from the community at large.
Peace,
Kathleen
Learn how to use your computer safely
Technology allows individuals to track and monitor the activities of others. Your cell phone, email, computer, and Internet activity can be tracked. When you use your computer or surf the Internet, your web browser and your computer leaves a trail, a trail that other people can see. If you use your phone or emails to talk about abuse, or if you access websites that you would prefer other people didn’t know about, there are a few tips that will help you remain safe:
Cell phones and cordless phones
- Traditional “corded” phones or land lines are more private than cell phones or cordless phones.
Using the Internet
- Access this site and other sites you want private from somewhere other than home. You can use a computer in a public library, at a community technology center, at a trusted friend’s house, or an Internet Café.
- Clear cookies, temporary web site files and browser history. Cookies are information that a web site leaves on your hard drive about your visit to that web site. A temporary web site file is left on your computer each time you visit a web site. One of its pages, usually the home page, is stored “temporarily” on your hard drive. Usually Internet browser software retains a list, or History, of all the web sites you visit. Refer to your software “Help” menu or technical support for further information.
- Clear the search engine. Many search engines retain and display past searches. Check whichever search engine you use for information on how to turn this feature off.
- If you add a site to your “Favorites” (also known as bookmarking) other people who use your computer can use your Favorites to see what web sites you have visited.
An excellent resource that can help you clear your cache, cookies and history is located here:
Instant / Text Messageing
Try not to discuss danger or abuse by email or Instant/Text Messaging. It is not safe or confidential. If you do use email or text messaging, make sure you use an account your abuser does not know about.
Using Emails
- When using email, do not store passwords and make sure you change your password or passwords often. Do not use obvious passwords, such as your birthday or your pet’s name. Use passwords that include both letters and numbers.
- Delete emails and files/documents. Delete emails from the “Send” or “Outbox” and then also delete emails from the “Deleted Items” box. In addition, empty the “Recycle” or “Trash Bin” of any documents before shutting down the computer. Make this a regular routine so it is not an unusual action that triggers suspicion.
Note: It is not possible to completely delete or clear all the “footprints” from your computer or online activity. Clearing your browser history will make it more difficult, but NOT impossible for someone to trace your computer use. It is always best to use a safe computer.
Another Tragedy Strikes our Community
I was horrified when I opened this morning’s newspaper to find another victim of domestic violence murdered. In this case, Bulos “Paul” Zumot was arrested for the murder of Jennifer Schipsi in Palo Alto. When I learned the deceased secured services from our agency, it became even more personal. We at Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence are grieving her loss. From what I can piece together by reading news articles, a few thoughts come to mind.
To refer to the killing as an “act of passion” defies logic. Passion is defined as “warm and excited feeling likely to be fitful or short-lived (the ardor of their honeymoon soon faded)”. Most people would not apply this term to a calculated, pre-meditated act of murder. This was not Romeo and Juliet or a tragic opera. This is a perpetrator who stalked, abused and battered his partner. Decades past, killing your wife “in the heat of passion” could give you a finding of innocent by a jury precisely because we associated the murder with passion. We left that era, thank God. We now know that domestic violence is coercive control exercised by one member to gain power over an intimate partner. It is calculated, well-thought out and purposeful. In my 24 years in this work I have never heard a victim refer to her abuse as filled with passion.
Secondly, I think we must be careful in how we portray the deceased. We don’t know why a reconciliation occurred. However, she is not at fault for trusting a person who professed love. If anything, it is a reminder of the complexity of domestic violence. Our focus must be on the perpetrator. Instead of asking “Why did she go back?” we must ask “Why would someone so severely hurt the person who loves him?”
Please call or blog the Palo Alto Police Department and express your dismay about using the term “passion” when describing domestic violence. The Palo Alto Police Department number is (650) 329-2413. And if you have enough energy, please add a comment about not blaming the victim to the article published in the San Jose Mercury News under the title “Boyfriend arrested in connection with woman’s death in Palo Alto fire,” posted October 20, 2009.
(Image from Austin for Iran via Google Images).
Teen died after red flags went unheeded in Santa Clara County custody decision
Teen died after red flags went unheeded in Santa Clara County custody decision
Published May 23, 2009
by Kathleen Krenek
Some people ask victims of domestic violence: “Why don’t you leave?” The tragic case of Roberta Allen provides one answer.
Many victims don’t leave because they have been told by their batterers that they will lose custody of their children, and in Allen’s case, her worst fear came true. Then, earlier this spring she received the dreaded call from law enforcement. “We think we found your daughter,” the officer said, “and she is not alive.”
How many victims will read this and feel even more trapped? The system has to change to protect them and their children.
The system failed Alycia Augusta Mesiti-Allen, 14, who police say was killed by a domestic violence perpetrator, her father. Her bones were found buried in his yard.
Mark Mesiti was awarded unsupervised custody in 2005, even though he had a lengthy criminal history including a domestic violence conviction. He violated his probation and was sent to prison. For the seven years previous to gaining custody of his daughter, he amassed a variety of charges.
All were red flags. Welfare professionals and Alycia’s mother raised them during the custody battle.
The father was given custody after it was found that the mother was depressed — often the effect of battering — and therefore unfit to care for her daughter. As an alternative to this deadly decision, couldn’t we have wrapped the mom and her kids in supportive services and allowed them to heal together?
Depression is treatable. Homicide is not. Now healing will never happen for the remainder of this family.
I’ve worked with domestic violence for 25 years, and I understand the complexity of family law cases. But the errors in this case are too obvious to use complexity as an excuse.
Victims of domestic violence in family court often present their case without representation, while perpetrators often bring attorneys. The imbalance of power the perpetrators use at home to control the victims follows them into family court. When this imbalance exists, victims may not be able to effectively voice their concerns and articulate their needs. Often we don’t believe them. The myth that they are lying about their abuse to gain the upper hand continues to haunt the system.
Our county’s family court has made progress in dealing with domestic violence. It can provide safe, effective and equitable decisions. But something went very wrong in the Mesiti-Allen case.
California Family Code provides guidance to judges in determining whether perpetrators of domestic violence should gain unfettered custody. It offers a presumption against custody unless evidence is provided to rebut it. The criminal conviction of Mark Mesiti for domestic violence surely met the standard to determine him unfit for custody.
Santa Clara County has to examine this case carefully to determine what went wrong. Fortunately, we have a domestic violence death review committee that can do this work. We can only make sense of this tragedy if we learn from it. But some lessons are clear now.
We must provide real equity for victims of violence who are presenting their case in court — making sure they’re represented by an attorney, especially if their abuser is.
And we must stop viewing children as a commodity that “belongs” to both parents.
Kathleen Krenek is executive director of Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence, which helps victims navigate the system and protect their own interests. Call their hotline at 408-279-2962
© 2009 Mercury News
