You Can Stop it Before it Starts

Teen Dating Violence–You Can Stop It Before It Starts

According to statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice presented on a Family Violence Prevention Fund Teen Program fact sheet, young women age 16 to 25 experience the highest rates of rape and sexual assault in the nation.

National Prevalence of Teen Dating Violence

• Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner – a figure that far exceeds victimization rates for other types of violence affecting youth.

• Nationwide, nearly one in ten high-school students (8.9 percent) has been hit, slapped or physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

• Nearly one in three sexually active adolescent girls in ninth to twelfth grade (31.5 percent) report ever experiencing physical or sexual violence from dating partners.

Other related issues of concern are the inability of some teens to deal adequately with the pressure they experience from their partners who may be pushing for behaviors which they find uncomfortable or unsafe, and/or sexual harassment or stalking. In addition fewer than 1 in 3 teens feel that they can talk to their parents if they are in an abusive relationship.

Young women who are victims of dating violence are more likely than their non victimized peers to engage in unhealthy behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, risky sex, and even suicide.  They are also at higher risk for sexually transmitted disease and unplanned pregnancies.

Next Door’s Teen Programs support teenage youth exposed to DV and/or who are at risk of developing abusive relationships. The Programs provide leadership opportunities, field trips, and support groups to address the violence in the lives of young people, and drop in support for teen victims of dating violence.

Next Door offers teen workshops at 6 distinct community sites in Santa Clara County, drop in support for victims of dating violence, and dating violence education and support groups for teens. 75% of Teen Support Group participants who have completed the groups are able to identify ways to make healthy choices with regard to their relationships, thus enabling them to live happier lives free from abusive partners.

For more information please call the Next Door office at (408) 501-7550, or our 24-Hour Hotline- (408) 279-2962 if you are currently in a violent relationship.

Other Teen Dating Violence Prevention Resources

See It and Stop It

Family Violence Prevention Fund Teen Program

Find Out How You Can Save Lives

25 Saves Lives Campaign is a brand new giving option that Next Door has just recently
launched. Posted on the Next Door website in November, the 25 Saves Lives Campaign
will help increase donations while making it easier to support Next Door. The 25 Saves
Lives Campaign uses an online platform, which allows donors to make a convenient
recurring $25/month donation charged to a credit card every month instead of a larger
one-time donation. Giving $25 dollars a month is equivalent to about 83 cents a day.

MAKE A RECURRING MONTHLY DONATION.

What can 83 cents a day do? Giving 83 cents a day can give Next Door’s shelters
beds, food, clothing, and other supplies needed. The benefits of giving to Next Door
include: getting women and children immediate safety away from their abusers, providing
knowledge and support for women who are being abused, and providing women
and children with programs so they are able to get back on their feet. A small amount
each month can make a big difference.

Alviso case highlights domestic violence that is often hidden within gay community

San Jose Mercury News

Published: Janurary 11, 2010

By Julia Prodis Sulek

On a ride home from her McDonald’s job two days before she was killed, Leti Martinez told her cousin that her violent relationship with her girlfriend was over, that she wanted a fresh start.

Despite fistfights, scratches, chokeholds, black eyes and one restraining order during their four-year relationship, Martinez and Jennifer Bautista made up as often as they broke up — a typical pattern in domestic cases, whether gay or straight. And, like the worst of abuse cases, this one ended in tragedy after Bautista allegedly ran over Martinez on Dec. 28.

The case has drawn attention to domestic abuse that is often hidden within the gay community, a group that is trying to put its best foot forward as it fights for equal rights. The problem can be particularly difficult to recognize within the lesbian community because of a lingering perception that “women don’t hurt each other.”

But the percentage of domestic violence cases among gay couples is the same as for straight couples — up to 33 percent, studies show — and abusive relationships in both groups suffer the same power and control issues that can lead to violence.

“This was always seen as a guy thing: Guys do this to gals, or they do it to each other, but women don’t do it to each other,” said Wiggsy Sivertsen professor of counseling services at San Jose State University, who has been involved in domestic violence issues for many years, including training San Jose police officers in how to handle abuse among gay couples.

While the gay community makes strides in gaining acceptance in society, “we’re much like other at-risk communities,” Sivertsen said. “If we expose the dirty laundry in our community, they say, ‘See? Look what those people do to each other.’ There’s a kind of reluctance to put ourselves in a situation to be judged that way.”

Just what Martinez, 20, and Bautista, 19, did to each other over the course of their relationship will likely be a major issue in the case against Bautista, who has been charged with vehicular manslaughter and is being held on $500,000 bail.

Deputy District Attorney Dana Overstreet said she couldn’t discuss the details of the investigation, though she noted “any evidence of domestic violence may become extremely important in this case, regardless of who the aggressor is.”

The only details released about the case so far is that neighbors saw the two women arguing outside Martinez’s Alviso home, then one witness saw Martinez jump on top of the Honda’s hood before Bautista started driving down the street. Bautista stopped twice but then fled. At some point during the nearly three-block ordeal, Martinez was run over.

A restraining order filed by Bautista against Martinez a year ago, and interviews with Martinez’s family, indicate that at various times, the women appeared to be mutual combatants.

Some of the conflict appeared to surround Bautista’s other relationships. In the court document granting a temporary restraining order last January, Bautista hand-wrote, with often poor punctuation and spelling, her allegations against Martinez:

“She come to my house and she started arguing about a guy I’m seeing now. She got jealous and broke my phone. Started hitting me and slapping me chocked me left me bruises, marks,” Bautista wrote. “She was threanting me she was going to ‘kill me’ and that, ‘if she can’t have me no one can.’ ”

Bautista has declined media interviews from jail and her family could not be located for comment. Police are hoping the Bautista family will come forward to speak with investigators as well as turn over the purple Honda that is registered to Bautista’s mother.

Martinez’s family, meanwhile, is outraged that instead of being charged with murder, Bautista has been charged with vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence, which carries a penalty of up to seven years. They say that Martinez would often come home with her face scratched and black eyes.

“Leave her,” Martinez’s mother, Rhoda Vasquez, would tell her. But her daughter would always say, “No, I love her. Mind your own business.”

It’s a refrain heard time and time again in domestic violence cases of all kinds. And for better or worse, Sivertsen said, “we are really not that different from each other.”

At the LGBTQ Youth Space at the Billy DeFrank Center in San Jose, advice pamphlets about “unhealthy and abusive relationships” are available in the hangout room for their clients between the ages of 13 and 25. Of the 45 young people who are taking advantage of the center’s free counseling service, 20 say they are in an abusive relationship, and six of those are women.

“I wish one of these people were referred here,” said Cassie Blume of the Youth Space program, “to get these kids connected rather than have 19- and 20-year-olds dealing with this themselves.”

From Victim to Legal Advocate

Vershire, Vermont (CNN) — Armed with a law degree, an SUV that serves as a mobile office and her own harrowing personal history, 58-year-old trucker-turned-lawyer Wynona Ward navigates the back roads of rural Vermont.

Her mission: to aid victims of domestic violence.

Please check her story: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/01/07/cnnheroes.ward/

Kathleen Krenek on 94.5 KBAY’s South Bay Sunday

Increasing numbers of stories are coming out about celebrities like Rihanna who was beaten by Chris Brown; and the Oakland Raiders coach, Tom Cable who is accused of domestic violence; and the beautiful young Palo Alto real estate agent, Jennifer Schipsi, who was strangled to death and burned and we realize that the scope of this problem is vast and troubling.  That is why Next Door is making an aggressive outreach effort to the media to spread the word about this issue.  Kathleen Krenek was interviewed on November 22^nd by Sam Van Zandt of 94.5 KBAY’s South Bay Sunday about this problem and we have attached the program.

Click the link to listen to Kathleen’s interview

There are also YouTube links(part 1, part 2) to the 20/20 Rihanna interview and Next Door letters to the editor about the Jennifer Schipsi murder. Please take a few minutes to read the letters and listen to these great segments!

Learn how to use your computer safely

Technology allows individuals to track and monitor the activities of others. Your cell phone, email, computer, and Internet activity can be tracked. When you use your computer or surf the Internet, your web browser and your computer leaves a trail, a trail that other people can see. If you use your phone or emails to talk about abuse, or if you access websites that you would prefer other people didn’t know about, there are a few tips that will help you remain safe:

Cell phones and cordless phones

• Traditional “corded” phones or land lines are more private than cell phones or cordless phones.

Using the Internet

• Access this site and other sites you want private from somewhere other than home. You can use a computer in a public library, at a community technology center, at a trusted friend’s house, or an Internet Café.
• Clear cookies, temporary web site files and browser history. Cookies are information that a web site leaves on your hard drive about your visit to that web site. A temporary web site file is left on your computer each time you visit a web site. One of its pages, usually the home page, is stored “temporarily” on your hard drive. Usually Internet browser software retains a list, or History, of all the web sites you visit. Refer to your software “Help” menu or technical support for further information.
• Clear the search engine. Many search engines retain and display past searches. Check whichever search engine you use for information on how to turn this feature off.
• If you add a site to your “Favorites” (also known as bookmarking) other people who use your computer can use your Favorites to see what web sites you have visited.

An excellent resource that can help you clear your cache, cookies and history is located here:

Instant / Text Messageing

Try not to discuss danger or abuse by email or Instant/Text Messaging. It is not safe or confidential. If you do use email or text messaging, make sure you use an account your abuser does not know about.

Using Emails

• When using email, do not store passwords and make sure you change your password or passwords often. Do not use obvious passwords, such as your birthday or your pet’s name. Use passwords that include both letters and numbers.
• Delete emails and files/documents. Delete emails from the “Send” or “Outbox” and then also delete emails from the “Deleted Items” box. In addition, empty the “Recycle” or “Trash Bin” of any documents before shutting down the computer. Make this a regular routine so it is not an unusual action that triggers suspicion.

Note: It is not possible to completely delete or clear all the “footprints” from your computer or online activity. Clearing your browser history will make it more difficult, but NOT impossible for someone to trace your computer use. It is always best to use a safe computer.

Teen died after red flags went unheeded in Santa Clara County custody decision

Teen died after red flags went unheeded in Santa Clara County custody decision

Published May 23, 2009

by Kathleen Krenek

Some people ask victims of domestic violence: “Why don’t you leave?” The tragic case of Roberta Allen provides one answer.

Many victims don’t leave because they have been told by their batterers that they will lose custody of their children, and in Allen’s case, her worst fear came true. Then, earlier this spring she received the dreaded call from law enforcement. “We think we found your daughter,” the officer said, “and she is not alive.”

How many victims will read this and feel even more trapped? The system has to change to protect them and their children.

The system failed Alycia Augusta Mesiti-Allen, 14, who police say was killed by a domestic violence perpetrator, her father. Her bones were found buried in his yard.

Mark Mesiti was awarded unsupervised custody in 2005, even though he had a lengthy criminal history including a domestic violence conviction. He violated his probation and was sent to prison. For the seven years previous to gaining custody of his daughter, he amassed a variety of charges.

All were red flags. Welfare professionals and Alycia’s mother raised them during the custody battle.

The father was given custody after it was found that the mother was depressed — often the effect of battering — and therefore unfit to care for her daughter. As an alternative to this deadly decision, couldn’t we have wrapped the mom and her kids in supportive services and allowed them to heal together?

Depression is treatable. Homicide is not. Now healing will never happen for the remainder of this family.

I’ve worked with domestic violence for 25 years, and I understand the complexity of family law cases. But the errors in this case are too obvious to use complexity as an excuse.

Victims of domestic violence in family court often present their case without representation, while perpetrators often bring attorneys. The imbalance of power the perpetrators use at home to control the victims follows them into family court. When this imbalance exists, victims may not be able to effectively voice their concerns and articulate their needs. Often we don’t believe them. The myth that they are lying about their abuse to gain the upper hand continues to haunt the system.

Our county’s family court has made progress in dealing with domestic violence. It can provide safe, effective and equitable decisions. But something went very wrong in the Mesiti-Allen case.

California Family Code provides guidance to judges in determining whether perpetrators of domestic violence should gain unfettered custody. It offers a presumption against custody unless evidence is provided to rebut it. The criminal conviction of Mark Mesiti for domestic violence surely met the standard to determine him unfit for custody.

Santa Clara County has to examine this case carefully to determine what went wrong. Fortunately, we have a domestic violence death review committee that can do this work. We can only make sense of this tragedy if we learn from it. But some lessons are clear now.

We must provide real equity for victims of violence who are presenting their case in court — making sure they’re represented by an attorney, especially if their abuser is.

And we must stop viewing children as a commodity that “belongs” to both parents.

Kathleen Krenek is executive director of Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence, which helps victims navigate the system and protect their own interests.  Call their hotline at  408-279-2962

© 2009 Mercury News

Fisher: A battered woman’s compelling story

San Jose Mercury News

Published: September 30, 2009

By Patty Fisher

Why didn’t she just leave?

Every time I hear about a battered woman who is shot or beaten to death by her husband or boyfriend, that’s what I wonder.

What was she thinking? How could she let him hit her, night after night — and stay?

I have heard the answers to those questions many times, from the women themselves and from the counselors who tried to help them: She stayed because she had no money and nowhere to go. She was afraid he’d kill her if she left. She didn’t think anyone would believe her story. And, saddest of all, she thought she deserved it.

But in a new book that chronicles in brutal detail the four years of beatings and psychological abuse she suffered at the hands of her handsome, seemingly devoted husband, author Leslie Morgan Steiner offers this simple reason why she stayed.

“I loved him,” she told me. “I just thought he was a really troubled guy.”

Steiner, a successful author who edited the 2006 best-seller “Mommy Wars” about the colict of career moms vs. stay-at-home moms, will be in San Jose Oct. 8 to discuss her new memoir, “Crazy Love,” and to raise money for Next Door Solutions, our largest provider of shelter and other services to victims of domestic violence.

Last year in Santa Clara County, domestic violence hot lines fielded more than 24,000 calls and provided emergency beds to 795 women and children. But nearly 1,100 victims and their children were turned away because there weren’t enough beds.

This year, after Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger cut the state’s entire $16 million domestic violence budget, shelters across California are closing or cutting back on services, making it even harder for women and men to break free from abusive partners. Next Door and three other shelters in Santa Clara County, each took $200,000 hits.

Kathleen Kreneck, executive director of Next Door, hopes to sell enough $50 tickets to the Steiner fundraiser to keep the doors open for at least a few months.

“We’re hoping our community will rally around us and say we want people to be safe here,” she said. “I find it interesting that the governor rallied around the state parks but not domestic violence, when there are victims literally dying across California. That certainly doesn’t speak to my value system.”

Or mine.

Steiner, too, was appalled when she heard about the service cuts in California.

“It’s like a body blow to think that women and children who are so desperate that they reach out for help will not be able to get it,” she said. “The long-term cost for society will be far greater than just the cost of keeping shelters open.”

In some ways, Steiner is not the stereotypical battered woman. She was well educated and independent. She never spent a night in a shelter. Perhaps that’s why “Crazy Love” is such a compelling read. It’s the story of a young Harvard graduate with a dream job at Seventeen magazine in New York City who falls for a 30-something guy she meets on the subway. He’s well dressed, attentive and romantic — until she moves in with him and he starts hitting and choking her.

“I literally could have walked out the door, except for what happened to me psychologically,” she said. She felt compassion because he was beaten as a child and vowed to help him. Meanwhile, he became increasingly controlling and manipulative, taking her away from her job and alienating her from her family.

It wasn’t until he nearly killed her one night that she finally called the cops.

Steiner spent 10 years writing “Crazy Love” and another year agonizing over whether to publish it. It took courage to go public with her story, and thousands of women will read it and see themselves.

On Oct. 8, we’ll all have an opportunity to hear her tell that story in person.

More important, we’ll be able to help keep Next Door’s doors open. Without safe places to go and caring professionals to help them, battered women — and men — will have one more reason not to leave.

Cuts Ravage Domestic Abuse Program

SAN FRANCISCO — The Riley Center does not advertise its location, in a three-story Victorian in San Francisco’s core. The center’s address is confidential to protect its tenants: dozens of women and children fleeing abusive relationships.

While those who live at the Riley Center are often desperate for help, so is the center itself and dozens like it across California.

Because of cuts in state financing, several domestic violence shelters in California have closed in recent months, with layoffs or fewer full-time staff members at many others. Legal services — like help obtaining restraining orders — have been curtailed, as has counseling.

The Riley Center has eliminated six beds and combined its emergency services with its longer-term transitional program.

Shelters have also dropped 24-hour services, cut overnight staff at emergency centers and eliminated more comprehensive services like safe visitation centers, where staff members are posted when children are dropped off or picked up as part of custody agreements.

“Our members are struggling to keep their doors open,” said Tara Shabazz, the executive director of the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, which represents the state’s nonprofit shelters.

In July, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger eliminated the remaining financing for the state’s Domestic Violence Program — some $16 million — in the face of a lingering budget gap of nearly $500 million. Legislators had closed most, but not all, of a $24 billion deficit.

Mr. Schwarzenegger has said he regretted the decision but had no choice. “The governor understands how difficult these cuts are,” said Aaron McLear, a spokesman. “But he can’t promise money we don’t have.”

Other states, including New Jersey and Illinois, have struggled to find ways to keep domestic violence centers open, but national advocacy groups say no state has gone as far as California in “zeroing out” domestic violence money.

“California is by far the most extreme and shocking example,” said Sue Else, the president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, a group in Washington. “We’re appalled that this is the way that the governor would seek to balance the budget.”

The cuts to the program, which is part of the State Department of Public Health, means that the 94 nonprofit agencies charged with running the state’s domestic violence shelters have lost about $200,000 each. For most, that amounts to more than 40 percent of their anticipated annual financing, although agencies have received money for other shelter services from the federal stimulus package and the state’s emergency management agency.

Erik Sternad, the executive director of Interface Children Family Services in Ventura County, near Los Angeles, said his organization had initially believed that it would lose all five of its transitional shelters — usually multibedroom homes in suburban areas — where about three dozen women and children could live for up to 18 months. In the end, one was sold, one was transformed into youth services, and the final three were eventually saved by private donations. But of those, two have money assured only through June 30, the end of the fiscal year.

“We know that this money is going to run out about nine months from now,” Mr. Sternad said.

The pain has been most acute in remote areas. The Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition in Grass Valley, northeast of Sacramento, is the only such facility in that area. The coalition closed its 12-bed shelter, leaving five families in the lurch.

Niko Johnson, the coalition’s executive director, said her staff managed to find places for those families to stay, but has since had to turn away 14 women with 8 children.

“We had to give a voucher for a motel,” she said. “When women get to that point and are ready to make a change, it’s hard to say we can give you three nights in a motel. They ask, ‘What next?’ ”

At the same time, Ms. Else, of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, said the impact of a sour economy, including job losses and foreclosures, added to the need for services.

“I don’t know that it causes or creates domestic violence,” she said of the recession. “But what happens is that if there is domestic violence happening at home, it exacerbates it.”

The cutbacks come as the movement to fight domestic violence marked the 15th anniversary of passage of both the federal Violence Against Women Act, which established programs and penalties in cases of abuse against women, and California’s Battered Women Protection Act, which established financing for the state’s shelter system. There have been some signs of help. In August, shortly after the California cuts were announced, the Department of Justice awarded about $2.9 million to six transitional housing programs in California, primarily in rural counties. In the meantime, many shelters are finding ways to cope.

Mari Alaniz, director the Riley Center, which is run by the St. Vincent de Paul Society, said that combining the center’s emergency services and longer-term transitional program in one building has meant less privacy, with as many as six beds to a room. Still, she said, “better to have six in a room than not to have a shelter.”

That sentiment is echoed by a 41-year-old woman who was there for months last year when her ex-husband threatened to hurt her two younger children.

“When he was doing stuff to me, I could take it,” said the woman, whose name is being withheld to avoid disclosing her location. “But when I saw it was happening to them, I reacted like a lion. And eventually I was a lion, and I left the situation.”

The woman has since moved into her own home with two of her children.

She said she had lived in fear of beatings and other kinds of abuse from her ex-husband for more than two decades, but had noticed a change in herself of late.

“Now that I have my own home, it might sound dumb, but I can get up when I want and do what I want, and I think the kids feel the same way,” she said. “I ain’t scared no more.”

Erik Eckholm contributed reporting from Fresno, Calif.