Domestic Violence – No Place to Hide
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
Is it just me, or are we getting less and less tolerant of domestic violence? What was once labeled a “private family matter” now gets the appropriate label of “domestic violence” and a big headline – especially if the accused abuser is an official entrusted with public safety.
San Francisco’s new sheriff, Ross Mirkarimi, has been charged with domestic violence battery, child endangerment and dissuading a witness after allegedly roughing-up his wife during a New Year’s Eve argument. Mirkarimi called the episode a “private family matter,” and we went berserk.
It wasn’t just domestic violence advocates who called foul, even though Mirkarimi’s wife said she had no complaint against her husband (not an unusual victim response). San Francisco District Attorney George Gascon declared: “Whether this was the elected sheriff or any other San Francisco resident, this type of behavior is inexcusable, criminal and will be prosecuted.” Regardless of whether the victim supports a prosecution, he said, it is the state’s and the DA’s obligation to ensure the safety of the victim. Right on!
Interestingly, it was a neighbor who had the wherewithal to call the police when Mirkarimi’s wife sought help next door that night. That brave, astute neighbor was not meddling. She recognized what she believed to be spousal abuse, a woman and child in danger, and she took action. What would you have done in the same situation? What if the abuse wasn’t as blatant as a fresh bruise and a cry for help?
Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence recognizes most of us are ill-equipped to know what to do if we have a neighbor, friend, relative or colleague who is being abused. We may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen the physical signs of it, or merely suspected for various reasons. Most of us would know to call 911 if we witness violence and someone is in immediate danger. But, what if we just suspected, or someone took us into her confidence and sought our help?
Next Door gives this plain-spoken advice, which is available on a handy pocket card, which you can request in quantity if you’re willing to spread the word:
● Listen without judging. Don’t rush into providing solutions.
● Make sure she knows she is not alone.
● Let her know you support and care about her and that the violence is not her fault.
● Tell her help is available. It is free and confidential.
● Tell her you are worried about her safety and the safety of her children.
● Tell her you are there for her and that she deserves better than this.
● Refer her to Next Door: 408-279-2962.
We all have responsibility for breaking the silence and taking action. Ever wonder where Next Door got its name 40 years ago? It was a brave woman in San Jose who opened her door, providing shelter and comfort when intimate partner abuse was considered a private family matter. Thank goodness domestic violence has moved out of the shadows. Thank goodness we as a society and as individuals will no longer tolerate it.
No Holiday for Domestic Violence
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
The holiday lights and menorah are stored. The pine needles are vacuumed away, and the kids are back in school. Most of us had time to pause, take a break and enjoy. Not so, for those living with domestic violence.
In fact, this holiday season was particularly violent, starting with a tragic murder-suicide the weekend after Thanksgiving. That’s when Chris Shimek, a San Jose Police Department sergeant, strangled his wife Lynn and shot himself, leaving behind two teenage sons. Lynn had asked for a divorce just weeks before.
Prophetically, Rolanda Pierre Dixon, a retired Santa Clara County prosecutor and head of the county’s Domestic Violence Council, wrote an opinion piece for the San Jose Mercury News that appeared December 22. She reminded us “domestic violence doesn’t celebrate the holidays.” In fact, many victims say the holidays increase the violence, according to Dixon, who wrote: “It doesn’t care if you are homeless or rich, gay or straight, male or female.” (http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_19603130?IADID=Search-www.mercurynews.com-www.mercurynews.com)
Sure enough, a little more than a week later, on December 30, San Jose registered its 41st and final homicide of 2011. A horrific domestic violence killing took the life of Yvonne Kirk, the 65-year-old mother of Minema Kirk whose same-sex marriage to Sagal Mohamod Sadiq had gone sour.
Sadiq, a Somali native and long-time nurse, is charged with using a machete to kill her mother-in-law in a bloody rampage. Minema Kirk was said to be in Puerto Rico at the time of the slaying and had messaged her partner she was “done.” Of the 11 domestic violence-related killings in Santa Clara County in 2011, Sadiq is the only woman suspected of being the attacker. Her case goes to court January 19.
The common factor in both the Shimek and Kirk tragedies was a declaration the relationship was over. Domestic violence experts tell us the need for power and control is the primary motivator for violence directed against an intimate partner or their family members. And they say leaving is the time of highest risk for serious injury or death.
Reminder #1: Domestic violence doesn’t take a holiday. Domestic violence is an every-day, round-the-clock occurrence that may actually increase during the holidays – a time focused on families, relationships, joy and celebration.
Reminder #2: Leaving a troubled relationship characterized by abusive power and control can be a particularly risky (even lethal) proposition. In fact, Patty Bennett, Director of Program Services at Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence, advises victims never to tell their partner they are leaving, or even thinking of leaving. If you or someone you know needs to escape an abusive relationship, call Next Door’s 24-hour hotline (408-279-2962) first. Domestic violence advocates answer the phones. They are experts in safety and escape planning. This is serious business. A life could depend on it.
Verizon Supports Next Door’s Effort to Stop Teen Dating Violence Before it Starts
December 23, 2011
SAN JOSE, CA—
Verizon Foundation, the philanthropic arm of Verizon, has granted Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence $40,000 for its Teen POWER Program, which will help eight San Jose youth leaders to implement teen dating violence outreach, prevention and education campaigns for their high school and middle school aged peers in San Jose. The POWER Program (Proud of Wanting Equal Relationships) seeks to change the perception of Teen Dating Violence from acceptable and inevitable to unacceptable, preventable and avoidable.
“Through this collaboration, Next Door and Verizon hope to stop the violence before it starts by raising awareness about the signs of teen dating violence, said Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director of Next Door. “By providing messages through social media and presentations to sports teams we hope to educate students that violence in a relationship is never acceptable under any circumstances.”
Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence has been offering culturally and linguistically specific domestic violence and teen dating violence services to San Jose and the greater Santa Clara County region for forty years through its emergency and transitional housing, support groups, crisis counseling, legal advocacy, and children and youth services. Next Door seeks to end domestic violence in the moment and for all time. Learn more at www.nextdoor.org.
The Verizon Foundation uses its technology, financial resources and partnerships to address critical social issues, with a focus on education and domestic violence prevention. In 2010, the foundation awarded nearly $67 million to nonprofit agencies in the U.S. and abroad. Through Verizon Volunteers, one of the nation’s largest employee volunteer programs, Verizon employees and retirees have volunteered nearly 6 million hours of community service since 2000. For more information on the Verizon Foundation, visit www.verizonfoundation.org.
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FOR INFORMATION: http://www.nextdoor.org
Contact: jmarcus@nextdoor.org
Shouting Hello To Next Door
By A. Alvin Winford
Truly, time flies! My four month fellowship at the Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence, San Jose, California is now something of the past. I am leaving early Wednesday morning the 14th of December. An unbelievable reality! The mood is bittersweet. The oxymoron is self explicit in that it is bitter that I am leaving at a time when everything seems to be coming easier to me. And of course sweet, in that I am returning to my family, work, community and country after four months.
There is a time in everyone’s life when he/she reaches a crossroad and must decide the road he/she should take. My decision to go through this experience has yielded some wonderful memories. I am returning home with new experiences, determined more than ever before to champion values and aspirations that contribute towards a Liberian Society that will prevent and respond to violence against women and children.
During my fellowship, I completed the 40 hour training on domestic violence that enable me work with victims and the Women Support Group. Also, I attended the Human Trafficking Coalition and Domestic Violence Meetings, the Connecting the Dot Conference on Domestic Violence, and Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Annual Conference on Engaging, Motivating and Inspiring Men. I was provided the opportunity to make four presentations on Gender Based Violence at the YWCA Rape Crisis Center in Silicon Valley, Santa Clara University Graduate Program, Next Door staff and board meetings.
Certainly, Next Door has played pivotal role in making this dream to come true. The warm hospitality and professional stewardship of the staff and volunteers have been immense and I can only say thanks. I remain grateful for the interactions which provided me an opportunity to grow. I will continue to keep the contacts alive even after my departure. Thanks! You were there when I needed you most. You will always be part of my life and the memories remain indelible.
Let me share with you the words of two astute thinkers of our time.
You and I will meet again
When we’re least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won’t say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again
~Tom Petty
Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.
~Charles M. Schulz
A big Hello Next Door! Happy Holidays!
Meaningful Gifts Simplify the Holidays
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
The crystal clear, warm Saturday found my Willow Glen neighbors and me outside stringing multi-colored lights. The annual ritual of decorating when the tree truck arrives on our street the first weekend in December is the real holiday kick-off for us. It’s a time to reconnect before the sightseers cruise our neighborhood each evening, enjoying the festive displays.
In addition to getting updates on kids and grandkids, we trade holiday plans and – in recent years – lament the excesses of the season. Although most of us are reasonably well-off, employed or comfortably retired, the theme of our chats was similar to last year’s: simplify. Let’s put up fewer lights, blow-up displays and lawn ornaments. Let’s be less frenetic and more focused on enjoying the season and each other. Let’s think before we give and give in a more thoughtful and meaningful way.
Imagine, we groused, that stores open now at midnight Thanksgiving to get the most out of Black Friday shopping. Depending on whose numbers you follow, retail sales were up 24% over last year, and Cyber Monday (the online version of Black Friday) saw online transactions grow 36%. Luxury goods sales were up almost 18%. We’re torn between celebrating consumer confidence, which could portend a healthier economy, and understanding it will be a long time before the suffering among us will enjoy better times, even if a recovery is truly in the works.
These days, my neighbors and friends talk more about divesting than acquiring things. They want to simplify and streamline their lives and their surroundings. Displays of luxury labels and expensive jewelry are off-putting. Unused gifts that stay in a drawer or gather dust and clutter their homes are not as welcome as they might have been a few years ago. Folks are more interested in receiving and giving in a way that makes a difference.
Tell people, they say, we don’t want more “things” this holiday season, we want meaning. Honor me, they say, by giving to someone who needs things more than I do. That would be far more satisfying and bring me more joy, they say, than receiving something I don’t want or can’t use. Make a contribution in my name to a worthy cause that’s important to me. And if you don’t know what’s important to me, make a contribution to a cause that’s important to you, they say.
There are endless opportunities in our community to honor each other while making a lasting difference. What if, for example, everyone who goes to a holiday gathering this season foregoes the host/hostess bottle of wine gift and gives a $25 contribution to a special cause? Next Door’s “$25 Saves Lives” campaign is one idea (http://www.nextdoor.org/door-helps-millions-find-safety/). You can do a one-time donation or sign up for $25 a month. In case you’re interested, that’s what I’d like as a gift.
Facing the Holidays as a Survivor
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
The woman had a big smile on her face, but the red-purple scar she couldn’t hide on her upper chest told a different story. I think of this brave woman and her four toddler-to-teen smiling children this time of year as I prepare for the holidays. It’s a time of celebration, good cheer and giving thanks for each other and for all that we have. And every year, without fail, it’s a time when I think of this woman.
It was seven years ago when I first volunteered to help at Next Door’s annual Holiday Boutique. This is an uplifting event that brightens the holidays for victims of domestic violence, some of whom have fled a violent home with just the clothes on their backs. Next Door’s community office is transformed into a boutique where moms and their kids “shop” for each other at no cost. A volunteer accompanies each mom and child into one of two gift rooms to choose gifts for each other. Separate gift-wrap stations ensure the gifts are a surprise.
I volunteered for the gift-wrap station. It was over donated gift wrap and bows that I met the smiling woman’s teenage son. He, too, was a volunteer gift wrapper. I didn’t know his story and assumed he was the son of another volunteer. I marveled at his enthusiasm and his maturity and gentleness in dealing with the smaller children – helping them choose gift wrap and exclaiming over their “perfect” choice of gifts for their mothers.
As families gathered to leave, I met her. Surrounded by her children and a mountain of wrapped gifts, she was beaming. The red-purple scar hadn’t had time to fade, but this woman and her children were safe. They were happy and hopeful. The teenage son, clearly the “man” of the family, helped his brave and resilient mother gather the gifts and his siblings. I don’t how this beautiful family has fared since, but I’d like to think the wounds have healed, the children are thriving, the woman is still beaming, and the teenage son is a grown man, possibly with a family of his own and the wherewithal to stop generational domestic violence dead in its tracks. I do know, however, that they have forever changed my own attitude and approach to the holidays. Despite setbacks and losses, there is profound gratitude for the safety and peace we enjoy in our family and in our home.
I am thankful for Next Door and the many volunteers and donors that have, for almost 20 years, made the annual event possible. Last year, 331 women and 848 children “shopped” for gifts for each other. This year’s Holiday Boutique is Dec. 13-15. Donations of new and unwrapped items, as well as cash and corporate sponsorships, are still being accepted. There are multiple ways to get involved. If you or your company is interested in making a difference for survivors of domestic violence, I can guarantee a pay-back for years to come. Call Next Door today: (408) 501-7550.
Full Shelters and “Shredding the Safety Net”
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
Kudos to the San Jose Mercury News for putting a human face to the plight of women and children fleeing abuse and confronting the “no vacancy” sign at local shelters. The recent front-page story, featuring the plight of Melissa Strawn and her two young sons, details the statewide dilemma of increasing need and more severe abuse, at the same time budgets are being cut and shelters are closing. Next Door’s Kathleen Krenek calls this “the reality of shredding the safety net.” Indeed!
Tragically, it’s not just domestic violence programs and services that are suffering. Recent years have seen cuts upon cuts of government funding for social and human services. Unfortunately, the abused, the homeless, the disabled and the disadvantaged tend not to have a voice. They are too fearful, injured, sick or simply incapable of doing anything other than struggle day-to-day to survive. Because they are invisible to most of us, we are lulled into believing they do not exist — or at least don’t exist in the staggering and increasing numbers the local health and human services agencies are seeing.
Next Door is not the only agency in the Bay Area providing domestic violence services and emergency shelter, but, like the others, it is operating at capacity. Its emergency shelter in San Jose, which happens to be the first bilingual battered woman’s shelter in the U.S., provides more than 5,500 bed-nights annually to victims fleeing domestic violence. It provides supportive services at HomeSafe facilities in San Jose and Santa Clara, which are 48 affordable transitional housing units for women and children – also at capacity. Staff and volunteers operating 24/7 crisis hotline (408-279-2962) responded to more than 15,000 calls last year. Amazing!
Domestic violence shelters are often the only thing standing between victims and grave physical harm. We may look the other way because we have our own safe, peaceful, non-violent homes to shelter us and our loved ones. But we’re kidding ourselves if we think we’re not affected.
With domestic violence on the rise in the declining economy, serious public safety issues increase. Studies show gangs, child abuse, juvenile detention and violent crime are all tied to exposure to domestic violence. The cost to a community is staggering in terms of health care, property loss, ambulance services, police response, criminal justice processes and lost productivity.
Those of us who are safe, warm and peaceful in our homes need to help shoulder the responsibility of making certain there’s shelter for those whose escape from a batterer can mean the difference between life and death. Our shelters are over-flowing, but if we all ante up, agencies can provide more emergency hotel-night stays to victims whose only hope of survival is to flee. It won’t take much if we all share the burden. Can you afford $25 right now to provide someone with one night’s peace? Do it!
Another Glimpse into a Batterer’s Behavior
As many of you know, for the past year and a half I have been blogging about the trial of Bulos “Paul” Zumot. He had been charged with killing his girlfriend Jennifer Schipsi and setting their house on fire to cover the murder. Eight months ago, Zumot was found guilty of murder in the first degree and arson. For the family, it has been two long years since the murder of their sister, aunt, daughter, and friend. This past Friday, October 28th, I attended his sentencing, which local media called “a bizarre courtroom scene.” At least one leg of this long journey to healing has been completed. After at least seven postponements, Zumot was sentenced to serve a minimum of 33 years in prison. Most believe he will never see the outside of the walls of prison again. Justice was served.
Unfortunately, Zumot gave us one last demonstration of his narcissistic, self-serving behavior. He acted out – strategically. He started with one tactic, terminating the services of his attorney (probably should have thought of that before the verdict). That strategy did not prevail, so he went on to plead with the judge to delay sentencing and that did not work. Finally, he began ranting that the blame for this predicament landed on the judge and assistant district attorney, not himself. The world was against him because he was an immigrant. He wanted us to believe this was a conspiracy and that he was framed. He became louder and louder with each unsuccessful claim. Watching him go from one tactic to another, testing each for effect, reminded me of many other women’s descriptions of their partner’s behavior. I once worked with a woman whose battering partner left roses for her at our shelter door. She did not respond, so he next sent her a Polaroid picture of a gravestone in a cemetery. He wrote her name in pen over the gravestone. If one strategy doesn’t work, apply another, violence being the ultimate.
Although his ranting did not work, it was incredibly painful for the family and friends of Jennifer to hear. My heart wrenched watching Jennifer’s daughter andJim Schipsi, Jennifer’s father, attempt to give their victim impact statements, having to yell over Zumot’s rant. I desperately wanted to tape Zumot’s mouth and force him to face Jim and the family while they gave their statements. Zumot’s ugliness and poison filled the room at a time the family should have been able to finally give their statements. After all, they patiently sat in the courtroom day after day during the trial. They listened to the most gruesome aspects of the case. They saw pictures of their beloved relative’s murdered body. Those pictures will be etched into their memories forever. Yet they sat in the courtroom with dignity and grace. They deserved their day. Zumot wanted to steal that as well, but he didn’t win. He didn’t get away with murder and he was forced to listen to the heartbreaking testimony albeit in another room.
Zumot robbed Jennifer’s family and friends of her lightness, her presence, her beauty and love. As Jennifer’s aunt noted in her testimony, he robbed them of Jennifer’s future and he ruined their memories of her past. No amount of prison time will bring those things back but yesterday justice was served.
Keep Up the Domestic Violence Prevention Drumbeat
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors. She recently completed 40 hours of state-recognized domestic violence advocacy training, deepening her understanding of the challenge and her passion for “ending domestic violence for the moment and for all time.”
As National Domestic Violence Awareness Month draws to a close, we are reminded how lucky we are to live in a community that takes domestic violence prevention and victim support seriously. Legislators, city and county officials and community activists rally at this time of year to shine a spotlight on the issue. They remind us:
- There were five domestic violence-related deaths in Santa Clara County in 2010
- The 2011 death tally, when it’s in, may well exceed the 2010 figure
- Prosecutors issued criminal domestic violence complaints at a rate of one every 3.5 hours in 2010
- Only emergency legislation two years ago stopped the closing of shelters and centers for battered women and children throughout the state
- Funding for victim support and prevention programs has already been cut or is at high risk of being cut in the near future
This month, San Jose’s Walk to End Domestic Violence attracted hundreds. Our hats are off to those who sponsored and participated in this 14th annual event. Thanks to Assemblymember Jim Beall, who partnered with the California Select Committee on Domestic Violence to convene an information hearing to discuss the complexity of domestic violence issues in Santa Clara County and strategies to end the violence. Good for San Jose State University, West Valley College and other educational and civic groups for organizing their own awareness campaigns and facilitated discussions on the topic.
All of this is encouraging and energizing for those who work day-in and day-out to advocate for victims, provide programs for survivors, raise funds for awareness and prevention and who have dedicated their lives to creating a community and a world where domestic violence does not exist. Most of them know this will not happen in their lifetimes, but they are willing to make the investment in time, energy and dollars so future generations are spared. These heroes at agencies such as Next Door would gladly work themselves out of a job if they could. It’s grinding, selfless, often unpaid work that doesn’t get the attention and recognition it deserves.
As individuals and as corporations in this diverse, rich “Valley of Hearts Delight,” it’s up to us to take up the drumbeat of domestic violence awareness and not let the spotlight dim after this month of rallies and special focus. What can YOU do right now … today? Accept domestic violence as a community issue, not one that’s private and happens between two people. Educate yourself. Talk about it at home, at work, with your children, family and friends. If you suspect a friend, relative, colleague or neighbor is being abused, call Next Door’s 24-hour hotline (408-279-2962) to learn what you can do to help. Advocate for an awareness/prevention campaign at your school or place of business. Volunteer. Donate. Get angry. Beat a drum. Think about it. What can YOU do?
Curbing Sexual Violence – The Liberian Experience
Alvin Winford, an experienced community leader from Brewerville, Liberia will contribute to the local community through a four-month fellowship funded by the U.S. Department of State’s Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs. In Liberia, Alvin was the program manager at the African Network for the Prevention and Protection against Child Abuse and Neglect where he worked to mitigate gender-based violence in local communities. Most recently, he has spearheaded a project that has helped increase the capacity of local police forces to respond to gender-based violence. Next Door is honored to have Alvin as a guest blogger.
By A. Alvin Winford
Sexual violence is a menace that defiles the human person. Due to its sensitive nature, it is underreported thereby leaving many victims with indelible scars which have adverse impact on their social, physical and mental well being. It is difficult to see a society not grappling with it. We must equally deal with these horrible acts by not only naming and shaming people who abuse power sadistically at the expense of the weak, but also take up some radical posture in meting out punitive measures against perpetrators in serving as deterrence. I strongly believe that a serious sickness can only be cured if staid medication is applied no matter the pains the patient endures as long as it is remedied.
Recently, I was honorably invited by the YWCA Rape Crisis Center of Silicon Valley, a sister agency to the Next Door, to share my working experience with sexual violence in Liberia.
Looking at the statistics one can discern that this type of criminality has no borders. Results from the National Violence Against Women Survey (NVAWS) revealed that 17.7 million women and 2.8 million men in the United States were forcibly raped at some time in their lives, with 302,091 women and 92,748 men forcibly raped in the year preceding the survey.
In my home country, girls ages of 10 – 14 are the most common victims of rape in Liberia In addition, about 10 percent of Liberian female aged 15 – 49 were forced against their will during their first sexual experience. About 18 percent of girls and women age 15 – 19 have experienced sexual violence and 32 percent of women report experiences of sexual violence coming from their husband or partner, 10 percent from their current/former boyfriend and 8 percent from a policeman or soldier. (Liberia Demographic Health Survey Report, 2007) The consequences of this violence are visible on the victims back in Liberia. Unwanted teenage pregnancy, unsafe abortion, single mother, health and psychological matters, being a social outcast in a gossip ridden community are some hurdles a victim is confronted with.
In Liberia we knew that drastic action must be taken. The first step was to elect a female president in 2005, the first on the African Continent. Her election was to send the message loud and clear that if Liberia were to move forward, then it was time to depart from our traditional past of a male dominant and abusive society. May we pause to join the rest of the world to congratulate my fellow country women Ellen Johnson Sirleaf , Leymah Gbowee and Tawakkul Karman of Yemen, for receiving the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize “for their non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women’s rights to full participation in peace-building work” It is my fervent hope that this would strengthen their tenacity in serving as a voice for the voiceless and reaching out to the many girls and women who are yearning for a violent free environment.
Continued next week — Liberia Builds a Safer Community for Women and Girls