Domestic Violence – No Place to Hide
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
Is it just me, or are we getting less and less tolerant of domestic violence? What was once labeled a “private family matter” now gets the appropriate label of “domestic violence” and a big headline – especially if the accused abuser is an official entrusted with public safety.
San Francisco’s new sheriff, Ross Mirkarimi, has been charged with domestic violence battery, child endangerment and dissuading a witness after allegedly roughing-up his wife during a New Year’s Eve argument. Mirkarimi called the episode a “private family matter,” and we went berserk.
It wasn’t just domestic violence advocates who called foul, even though Mirkarimi’s wife said she had no complaint against her husband (not an unusual victim response). San Francisco District Attorney George Gascon declared: “Whether this was the elected sheriff or any other San Francisco resident, this type of behavior is inexcusable, criminal and will be prosecuted.” Regardless of whether the victim supports a prosecution, he said, it is the state’s and the DA’s obligation to ensure the safety of the victim. Right on!
Interestingly, it was a neighbor who had the wherewithal to call the police when Mirkarimi’s wife sought help next door that night. That brave, astute neighbor was not meddling. She recognized what she believed to be spousal abuse, a woman and child in danger, and she took action. What would you have done in the same situation? What if the abuse wasn’t as blatant as a fresh bruise and a cry for help?
Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence recognizes most of us are ill-equipped to know what to do if we have a neighbor, friend, relative or colleague who is being abused. We may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen the physical signs of it, or merely suspected for various reasons. Most of us would know to call 911 if we witness violence and someone is in immediate danger. But, what if we just suspected, or someone took us into her confidence and sought our help?
Next Door gives this plain-spoken advice, which is available on a handy pocket card, which you can request in quantity if you’re willing to spread the word:
● Listen without judging. Don’t rush into providing solutions.
● Make sure she knows she is not alone.
● Let her know you support and care about her and that the violence is not her fault.
● Tell her help is available. It is free and confidential.
● Tell her you are worried about her safety and the safety of her children.
● Tell her you are there for her and that she deserves better than this.
● Refer her to Next Door: 408-279-2962.
We all have responsibility for breaking the silence and taking action. Ever wonder where Next Door got its name 40 years ago? It was a brave woman in San Jose who opened her door, providing shelter and comfort when intimate partner abuse was considered a private family matter. Thank goodness domestic violence has moved out of the shadows. Thank goodness we as a society and as individuals will no longer tolerate it.
Female Boxers Wearing Miniskirts?
Women’s boxing will make its debut at this year’s Olympic Games in London — a huge victory for female boxers who have fought for years to be taken seriously. But now it seems their participation will come with an outrageous catch: female boxers might be required to wear miniskirts in the ring.
The Amateur International Boxing Association (AIBA) is reportedly considering the new dress code because it thinks skirts will make the female athletes look “elegant” and help “distinguish” them from their male counterparts.
Elizabeth says, “The idea that female boxers should be made to wear skirts reduces these skilled athletes to sex objects. It undermines the respect they have long fought for.” Worse, competing in unfamiliar clothing could even negatively impact the boxers’ performances.
And Elizabeth isn’t the only boxer speaking out against the proposed dress code. When asked about the policy, three-time world champion Katie Taylor says, “I don’t even wear miniskirts on a night out, so I definitely won’t be wearing miniskirts in the ring.”
Fortunately, the AIBA will be considering public opinion and feedback from the boxing world before making its final decision next week. That means if enough people sign Elizabeth’s petition, you can force the AIBA to abandon the proposed dress code for good.
Tell LEGO: Stop marketing sexist toys to girls
Iconic toy brand LEGO recently launched a new line of toys meant just for girls — but two young women, Bailey Shoemaker-Richards and Stephanie Cole, think the products are unfairly “dumbed down” for girls.
The new line is called LadyFigs, and it’s made up of busty, pastel-colored figurines that come with interests like shopping, hair-dressing, and lounging at the beach. The uninspired toys even come with pre-assembled environments — so there is no assembly (or imagination) required.
Bailey and Stephanie say they’re frustrated that LEGO is pushing outdated gender roles on girls and cheating them of the opportunity to build and discover. So they took to the internet, blogging about what they call the new “Barbielicious” LEGOs and petitioning the toy company to lose the sexist LadyFigs line and go back to empowering both boys and girls with its original products. Click here to sign Bailey and Stephanie’s petition today.
LEGO hasn’t always thought its toys were only for boys. In the 1980s, the company was actually celebrated for a major advertising campaign that spotlighted a young girl and her LEGO creation with the tagline “What it is is beautiful.” But since then, LEGO reversed course and decided to market its products only to boys.
The company claims its research shows girls just don’t appreciate the original LEGO line. But Bailey and Stephanie argue that with LEGO’s renewed emphasis on boys — featuring only boys in its ads and stocking products in the boys’ aisles of toy stores — it’s no wonder young girls wouldn’t think LEGOs were meant for them.
Bailey and Stephanie’s fight to get LEGO to return to its gender-neutral toys is already making waves, with the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, and Time weighing in on the issue. But LEGO is stubbornly holding its ground and told Business Week that the LadyFigs launch is a “strategic” move to “reach the other 50 percent of the world’s children,” as if girls have never been part of LEGO’s focus.
Public pressure can prove LEGO wrong. If enough people sign Bailey and Stephanie’s petition, it could convince LEGO that the new LadyFigs are bad business and the company should return its focus to empowering boys AND girls with toys that inspire creativity and innovation.
Tell LEGO to stop selling out girls — sign Bailey and Stephanie’s petition today.
We need your help to SAVE the California Commission on the Status of Women
For the past 46 years, the California Commission on the Status of Women has served as an independent voice for the women and girls of California through its work with the Legislature and other State agencies. It continues to be the only state agency that looks specifically at the impact of state actions on women.
In July 2011, the state Commission received a devastating budget cut, with nearly half the Commission’s budget being slashed. Since then, we have worked diligently to reduce our expenses in order to make sure the important work of the Commission continues. Unfortunately, without additional funds, the state Commission will be forced to close its doors before the end of the fiscal year.
The state Commission has served as an important link between many communities and state government. These include the working poor and their families, incarcerated women, those with limited English language ability, and those with less access to government services. Through its public hearings across the state, the Commission has sought input from women and girls to better develop sound public policy. Go to their website to view the important work they do on behalf of all the women and girls in California– www.women.ca.gov.
It seems ironic that at the very time budget cuts are being made that disparately impact women and their families, the Commission that speaks for them would be eliminated. That voice is needed now more than ever.
Please help us save the California Commission on the Status of Women. Your tax deductible donation (tax id#68-0285369) is greatly appreciated! Make checks payable to the California Commission on the Status of Women and mail them directly to:
California Commission on the Status of Women
901 P Street, Suite 142-A
Sacramento, CA 95814
Why not make a donation in someone’s name for the holiday season? Help the women and girls of California by supporting your California Commission on the Status of Women. Every dollar helps keep our doors open and continues our very important work on your behalf.
From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for your support,
The staff of Next Door, and the members of the Association of California Commissions for Women.
Our Holiday Boutique was a success – thanks to you!
Thanks to hundreds and hundreds of community volunteers and members almost 1,300 battered women and their children are anticipating the gifts they will open on Christmas morning! We wish we could share with you directly the hugs, smiles and thank yous we received as each mom and her kids left the Holiday Boutique, their eyes brimming with tears and joy!! We literally could not have done this without so many of you. We hope these pictures demonstrate just a bit of the generosity that filled our rooms – and hearts.
Shouting Hello To Next Door
By A. Alvin Winford
Truly, time flies! My four month fellowship at the Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence, San Jose, California is now something of the past. I am leaving early Wednesday morning the 14th of December. An unbelievable reality! The mood is bittersweet. The oxymoron is self explicit in that it is bitter that I am leaving at a time when everything seems to be coming easier to me. And of course sweet, in that I am returning to my family, work, community and country after four months.
There is a time in everyone’s life when he/she reaches a crossroad and must decide the road he/she should take. My decision to go through this experience has yielded some wonderful memories. I am returning home with new experiences, determined more than ever before to champion values and aspirations that contribute towards a Liberian Society that will prevent and respond to violence against women and children.
During my fellowship, I completed the 40 hour training on domestic violence that enable me work with victims and the Women Support Group. Also, I attended the Human Trafficking Coalition and Domestic Violence Meetings, the Connecting the Dot Conference on Domestic Violence, and Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Annual Conference on Engaging, Motivating and Inspiring Men. I was provided the opportunity to make four presentations on Gender Based Violence at the YWCA Rape Crisis Center in Silicon Valley, Santa Clara University Graduate Program, Next Door staff and board meetings.
Certainly, Next Door has played pivotal role in making this dream to come true. The warm hospitality and professional stewardship of the staff and volunteers have been immense and I can only say thanks. I remain grateful for the interactions which provided me an opportunity to grow. I will continue to keep the contacts alive even after my departure. Thanks! You were there when I needed you most. You will always be part of my life and the memories remain indelible.
Let me share with you the words of two astute thinkers of our time.
You and I will meet again
When we’re least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won’t say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again
~Tom Petty
Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.
~Charles M. Schulz
A big Hello Next Door! Happy Holidays!
Thank you Sal Pizarro!
Wonderful mention this past Saturday about Next Door’s Holiday Boutique in Sal Pizarro column. While we did receive an additional 200 books from Raising a Reader and more from Kaiser Permanente, there is still a need for many more!
Sal’s complete column can be found here.
Meaningful Gifts Simplify the Holidays
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
The crystal clear, warm Saturday found my Willow Glen neighbors and me outside stringing multi-colored lights. The annual ritual of decorating when the tree truck arrives on our street the first weekend in December is the real holiday kick-off for us. It’s a time to reconnect before the sightseers cruise our neighborhood each evening, enjoying the festive displays.
In addition to getting updates on kids and grandkids, we trade holiday plans and – in recent years – lament the excesses of the season. Although most of us are reasonably well-off, employed or comfortably retired, the theme of our chats was similar to last year’s: simplify. Let’s put up fewer lights, blow-up displays and lawn ornaments. Let’s be less frenetic and more focused on enjoying the season and each other. Let’s think before we give and give in a more thoughtful and meaningful way.
Imagine, we groused, that stores open now at midnight Thanksgiving to get the most out of Black Friday shopping. Depending on whose numbers you follow, retail sales were up 24% over last year, and Cyber Monday (the online version of Black Friday) saw online transactions grow 36%. Luxury goods sales were up almost 18%. We’re torn between celebrating consumer confidence, which could portend a healthier economy, and understanding it will be a long time before the suffering among us will enjoy better times, even if a recovery is truly in the works.
These days, my neighbors and friends talk more about divesting than acquiring things. They want to simplify and streamline their lives and their surroundings. Displays of luxury labels and expensive jewelry are off-putting. Unused gifts that stay in a drawer or gather dust and clutter their homes are not as welcome as they might have been a few years ago. Folks are more interested in receiving and giving in a way that makes a difference.
Tell people, they say, we don’t want more “things” this holiday season, we want meaning. Honor me, they say, by giving to someone who needs things more than I do. That would be far more satisfying and bring me more joy, they say, than receiving something I don’t want or can’t use. Make a contribution in my name to a worthy cause that’s important to me. And if you don’t know what’s important to me, make a contribution to a cause that’s important to you, they say.
There are endless opportunities in our community to honor each other while making a lasting difference. What if, for example, everyone who goes to a holiday gathering this season foregoes the host/hostess bottle of wine gift and gives a $25 contribution to a special cause? Next Door’s “$25 Saves Lives” campaign is one idea (http://www.nextdoor.org/door-helps-millions-find-safety/). You can do a one-time donation or sign up for $25 a month. In case you’re interested, that’s what I’d like as a gift.
We Need Your Help ~~ We Don’t Want Any Kids Disappointed on Christmas!!
Next Door’s Holiday Boutique is in desperate need of gifts of all kinds for kids and moms this year. By this point in the past, our store room is just about filled with gifts ~~ and this year it isn’t even a third filled yet.
Here’s how you can help:
- Click here to find out what gifts we need this year
- Spread the word by re-posting this to your Facebook, intra-office and neighborhood email lists and ask your family, friends and co-workers to join you
If you need more information, send an email to hbgifts@nextdoor.org and Amanda will get back to you as soon as possible.
Thanks for helping us brighten the holidays for battered women and their children.
Next Door Staff and Board
Facing the Holidays as a Survivor
This is one of an occasional post from Margaret Epperheimer, a seven-year member of Next Door’s Board of Directors.
The woman had a big smile on her face, but the red-purple scar she couldn’t hide on her upper chest told a different story. I think of this brave woman and her four toddler-to-teen smiling children this time of year as I prepare for the holidays. It’s a time of celebration, good cheer and giving thanks for each other and for all that we have. And every year, without fail, it’s a time when I think of this woman.
It was seven years ago when I first volunteered to help at Next Door’s annual Holiday Boutique. This is an uplifting event that brightens the holidays for victims of domestic violence, some of whom have fled a violent home with just the clothes on their backs. Next Door’s community office is transformed into a boutique where moms and their kids “shop” for each other at no cost. A volunteer accompanies each mom and child into one of two gift rooms to choose gifts for each other. Separate gift-wrap stations ensure the gifts are a surprise.
I volunteered for the gift-wrap station. It was over donated gift wrap and bows that I met the smiling woman’s teenage son. He, too, was a volunteer gift wrapper. I didn’t know his story and assumed he was the son of another volunteer. I marveled at his enthusiasm and his maturity and gentleness in dealing with the smaller children – helping them choose gift wrap and exclaiming over their “perfect” choice of gifts for their mothers.
As families gathered to leave, I met her. Surrounded by her children and a mountain of wrapped gifts, she was beaming. The red-purple scar hadn’t had time to fade, but this woman and her children were safe. They were happy and hopeful. The teenage son, clearly the “man” of the family, helped his brave and resilient mother gather the gifts and his siblings. I don’t how this beautiful family has fared since, but I’d like to think the wounds have healed, the children are thriving, the woman is still beaming, and the teenage son is a grown man, possibly with a family of his own and the wherewithal to stop generational domestic violence dead in its tracks. I do know, however, that they have forever changed my own attitude and approach to the holidays. Despite setbacks and losses, there is profound gratitude for the safety and peace we enjoy in our family and in our home.
I am thankful for Next Door and the many volunteers and donors that have, for almost 20 years, made the annual event possible. Last year, 331 women and 848 children “shopped” for gifts for each other. This year’s Holiday Boutique is Dec. 13-15. Donations of new and unwrapped items, as well as cash and corporate sponsorships, are still being accepted. There are multiple ways to get involved. If you or your company is interested in making a difference for survivors of domestic violence, I can guarantee a pay-back for years to come. Call Next Door today: (408) 501-7550.
