Happy Holidays!
For most of us, this bright and merry holiday season is a time of celebrating, catching up with friends and family, gift giving and laughing, but it can also be a time of stress and worry. Finances are stretched to buy gifts or to travel to see family members. Seeing family members we don’t always get along with may push us over the edge. Alcohol tends to flow freely at Christmas parties, where we overindulge because hey, the holidays only come once a year right? Sometimes our expectations of what should happen compared to what actually happens can give us the holiday blues.
Combine all of those factors with an already explosive relationship and the result is an increase of domestic violence at a time that should be filled with joy and peace.
The poor health of the economy has affected us all; bills are piling up, there are not enough jobs to go around, and the need to meet such high expectations around this season can be suffocating. In many cases, there isn’t much control a man might have over those things. When things go wrong for most men, they don’t take out their frustrations by going home and beating their wives. But for others who are aggravated and need to grab control to feel powerful, they will go home and use violence to control their families.
Too often, especially around the holidays, alcohol is cited as the main reason for a physical act of aggression. “Honey, I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing”. “I was blacked out… I had no idea what was going on”. There is no excuse for abuse, not even having a cocktail too many. Domestic violence is about power and control and while alcohol may play a part, it doesn’t ultimately cause partner abuse. With alcohol in the mix, inhibitions are loosened for those predisposed to abuse because of a desire to control. Yelling can become slapping, slapping can become punching, and for too many, punching can become deadly.
There is never an excuse for abuse, not even the stress that accompanies the holidays… If you or someone you know is in danger, don’t hesitate to call our 24 hour crisis hotline at 408-279-2962.
From all of us at Next Door, we wish you all a safe and peaceful holiday and upcoming New Year.
Reproductive Coercion: What is it?
UC Davis researcher Elizabeth Miller recently shared a story about the time she saw a teenage girl at a hospital clinic for adolescents. The young patient thought she might be pregnant and asked for a pregnancy test. The test came out negative and Miller began asking the standard questions, inquiring as to whether her patient wanted to be pregnant and whether she was using any form of contraceptives. The answers to both questions were “no”. Miller patiently explained all of the birth control options available to the patient and sent her out the door with a paper bag filled with condoms. This story isn’t out of the ordinary except that two weeks later, the patient returned to the clinic.
The young girl was back in the hospital’s emergency room after her partner had violently pushed her down the stairs. For Elizabeth Miller, that was the wake-up call she needed to recognize that there might be a correlation between the two visits. The girl was coming in for a pregnancy test and despite the fact that she had no desire to be pregnant, she admitted that she was not using birth control. After that second visit, knowing she was in a physically and sexually violent relationship, Miller knew that she needed explicitly ask the patient why she refused to use contraceptives.
At the time, there was no term to classify what Miller’s young patient was experiencing. Nearly a decade later, we can know identify that situation was one of “reproductive coercion”. Reproductive coercion can be defined as a male partner pressuring their significant other, through verbal threats or physical aggression, to become pregnant. It frequently involves a male partner’s direct interference with a woman’s use of contraception. He can do this by removing condoms during sex, intentionally breaking condoms, and preventing her from using birth control pills. Forced sex and fear of violence if she refuses sex and/or contraception in the context of an abusive relationship all contribute to increased risk for unintended pregnancy as well as for sexually transmitted infections including HIV.
The relationship between reproductive coercion and relationship violence is strong, seeing as though one-third of women reporting partner violence have experienced pressure by their partners to become pregnant. The goal of the male partners is not to impregnate their partners in order to settle down as family men but rather exert what is perhaps the most intimate and lasting form of control. A man is taking away the woman’s power and decision making rights by making her reproductive choices without her consent.
The causes of unintended pregnancy are numerous and complex, but the work of researchers like Elizabeth Miller makes one point abundantly clear. If we are serious about reducing unplanned pregnancies, we must explore the relationship between reducing violence against women and efforts to reduce unintended pregnancy. We can do this by administering additional studies, raising awareness about reproductive coercion, and creating programs for both young men and women in order to address intimate partner abuse and how to participate in healthy relationships.
Unintended pregnancy can be caused by a number of factors including limited access to contraception, lack of knowledge about ones options, and possible stigma associated with asking a partner to use a condom. Do you believe those reasons account for the majority of unintended consequences, or are you convinced that the relationship between partner violence and unintended pregnancy is worth investigating?
Simple Ways to Give Thanks This Holiday Season
The Holiday season is upon us! It is a celebrated time of family gatherings, festive meals and laughter. It is a day dedicated to giving thanks for all that we have in our lives, but let’s not forget to reflect on the needs of those who may be less fortunate.
As you celebrate your holiday with your loved ones and reflect on your blessings, Next Door asks you to consider the needs of women and girls who have been harmed by violence all over the world. Take a moment to think about the hopes you have for your own loved ones, and the desire that they never know violence or abuse. It is so easy to take health, happiness, and safety for granted but for many women around the world, those things seem like a distant and far off possibility.
The Family Violence Prevention Fund has come up with a couple of ways that we can take action this year to end violence for women and children.
1. Talk to the young people you know about the issue of violence against women and share with them how you think people should treat one another. There are plenty of resources to aid in the discussion, such as Coaching Boys into Men program. Click here for more information.
2. Take Action as the 111th Congress comes to a close for the year. Urge your Members of Congress to pass the International Violence Against Women Act before Congress adjourns. To sign the petition, click here
3. Give your time, talents, and resources to a local domestic violence shelter in your community. Next Door welcomes and appreciates your support. This Thanksgiving, we remember and cherish our dedicated supporters who have worked with us to end domestic violence in the moment and for all time!
Wishing you and your family a safe and peaceful Thanksgiving.
An Impossible Decision
I absolutely love going on vacation. It means escaping the mundane of every day life, having no real responsibilities, and only having to think about what restaurants to go to for dinner. There’s one thing about going away that I don’t like, however: those awful motel beds. The mattresses are lumpy, the covers are scratchy, and the pillows just don’t fluff like they should. There’s nothing like coming home after a week away, curling up in your familiar bed, and getting a good night’s sleep. We take these simple pleasures for granted but for many women in abusive relationships, they give up even the most basic needs- like a bed to call their own.
When a woman leaves an abusive relationship, she often has nowhere to go. Besides being physically violent, abusers also exercise power and control over their partners in order to isolate them from support networks that may encourage them to seek help. As a result, a woman who has experienced domestic violence will often have little or no access to money and very few friends or family members to rely on if she flees the relationship. She left the life she once knew and often gives up all of her belongings, all to feel safe again. Too often, a lack of affordable housing and long waiting lists for assisted housing mean that many women and their children are forced to choose between abuse at home or life on the streets.
Victims of abuse often find themselves homeless not just because they chose to flee, but instead because their landlords forced them out of their homes. Many landlords have adopted policies, such as “zero tolerance for crime” policies, that penalize victims of domestic violence. When violence occurs in the home, regardless of whether the tenant is the victim or the perpetrator, the landlords require the tenants to leave. Additionally, women often have to miss work as a result of a violent dispute and as such, they may not make enough money to pay the months rent on time. As this cycle continues, many landlords evict the tenant due to their frequently delinquent payments.
Until we stop asking women to choose between being beaten and being able to feed and shelter their children, we cannot expect to rid our society of domestic violence. To see how Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence is addressing this very issue, click here to read about the housing solutions we offer to the women who have made the brave decision to seek safety outside of their homes.
Dear Mr. Gibson- Abuse is Abuse.
A couple of months ago, Next Door’s Executive Director Kathleen wrote a blog about Mel Gibson’s abusive telephone recordings that had been released to the media. The disturbing calls, made to his partner Oksana, were frightening. The calls indicated stalking – calling repeatedly, in this case, allegedly 30 times in one day, including in the middle of the night; attempts at sleep deprivation through phone calls; physical violence and threats of physical violence; access to weapons; degradation; and, finally, not-so-subtle threats of death and/or suicide. At the time, nobody knew for certain if these calls were real (except Mel & Oksana, of course). Many believed the calls were doctored but either way, they brought the issue of domestic violence into full view.
Here we are a couple of months later. Not only has this situation not been resolved, but it has grown even more explosive. Just last week, a confession was made by Mel Gibson that he did, in fact, slap Oksana but according to Gibson, he slapped her for her own good…I’m not making this up, folks. He really did say that.
Mel Gibson wants to assure everyone that he did not hit his girlfriend. Contrary to popular belief, he didn’t punch her while she was holding their baby. No, he just slapped her is all. In court papers released just this week, Gibson describes an argument with his estranged girlfriend Oksana. He admits to slapping Oksana “one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality” while she held their 2 month old child in her arms. He goes on to explain that there was no blood on her and none of her teeth were broken so he couldn’t have possibly hit her that hard.
This type of behavior is typical of abusers. They regularly deny that the abuse ever took place or in the case of Gibson, attempt to rationalize their abusive behaviors. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift the blame or avoid the topic altogether. Not only does denial allow the abuser to look at himself in the mirror with a clear conscience, but it is also a way for him to exert control over the victim by claiming his actions were justified. Mel did exactly that when he claimed he slapped Oksana for her own good.
I don’t imagine this story is going to go away anytime soon but for the sake of their little girl, I hope this is resolved quickly. As are all children of domestic violence victims, she is an innocent bystander in all of this. I hope she is able to lead a happy, safe, and healthy life despite the craziness surrounding her.
Older Women Can Be Victims Too
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t distinguish between races or income brackets, and it certainly has no age limits. While more recent attention has placed on teen dating violence, abuse doesn’t suddenly stop on a woman’s 50th birthday.
The reasons more mature women find themselves in violent relationships vary. Some women find themselves with the same abusive partner for many years, while others may have been in healthy relationships only to experience abuse starting in later life. Additionally, not all older domestic violence victims are battered by their intimate partners. Many victims of abuse are actually mistreated by other family members- often their children or grandchildren. Other times, the batterer may be the caregiver placed in the home to take care of victim and nurse them back to health. For whatever reason these women find themselves victims of abuse, ending that relationship presents unique challenges that make it difficult to leave.
Victims may be totally or partially dependent on the abuser for daily care needs, including meals, mobility, and access to funds and medication. As such, reporting abuse is risking it all- their partner, their home, their financial security, and their family. Imagine leaving the life you’ve known for so long, only to replace it with uncertainty and instability. No home to go to at night. Not enough money in your bank account. No job or education to fall back on. These women are leaving everything behind in order to feel safe again.
Luckily, the victims of Santa Clara County don’t have to experience this alone. They have someone to turn to for support. Next Door Solutions recognizes domestic violence against people over the age of 50 as a serious problem. As such, we created the Mature Alternatives for Violence Environments Now (MAVEN) Program to provide domestic violence services appropriate to the needs of this age group. Services include support groups, field trips, and the promotion of self-esteem. At MAVEN, clients can seek help in a safe environment away from their abuser.
Help is only a phone call away.
Internet Safety & Covering Your Tracks
Your safety is the most important thing. If you do not want anyone to know that you have visited the Next Door website please read the information below. It sets out the steps you can take to increase your safety when using the internet.
Please remember that if you are concerned that someone is monitoring your internet usage, your safest option would be to access the internet from another place such as a friend’s house, your work, an internet café or local library.
Covering your tracks
Every time you use the internet your internet browser saves pieces of information such as images, search terms or words used in search engines and login names. This helps the pages you visit frequently load faster by loading the files from your hard disk drive instead of having to downloading the web page in full again. These are saved as ‘cookies’ and they can mark a trail or ‘history’ that reveals what you have been looking at online. Below are instructions on how to minimize the chances of someone finding out that you have visited this website.
However – please note that there is a risk involved in removing data from your computer. Removing cookies may clear saved passwords for membership sites or online banking which may alert your partner to the fact that you have removed information. Also, your partner may notice if the address history on the PC has been cleared, and this may raise suspicion.
When you have finished viewing this site take these steps to keep others from knowing you have visited this site.
If you are unsure what browser you are using click on Help on the toolbar at the top of the browser screen. A drop down menu will appear, the last entry will say About Internet Explorer, About Mozilla Firefox, or something similar. The entry refers to which browser type you are using. You can then follow the relevant instructions below.
When you have finished viewing the Domestic Abuse site take these steps to keep others from knowing you have visited this site.
Remove the Domestic Abuse site from your computer’s history:
- On your keyboard press Ctrl-H together
- The history of the websites that have been viewed will show in the browser window
- Locate the Domestic Abuse folder. Right click on the folder and choose delete
- Close the history window
Remove the Domestic Abuse site from your computer’s cache:
- Pull down the Tools menu in the browser window
- Select > Internet Options
- In the dialogue box click on the button “Delete files”
- In the alert box select “OK”
- Click “OK” again to close the window
Clear ALL your browsing traces
Internet Explorer 7 users
Select Tools > Delete browsing history. Click Delete All.
Mozilla Firefox
Select Tools > Clear Private Data. Check ALL boxes and click Clear private data now.
Microsoft Internet Explorer users
Viewing History
- Microsoft Internet Explorer 7.x users can view their history files by clicking the “Tools” menu, “Internet Options”, clicking the “Settings” button under the Browsing history, and then clicking the “View Files” button.
- Microsoft Internet Explorer 6.x users can view their history files by clicking the “Tools” menu, “Internet Options”, clicking the “Settings” button, and then clicking the “View Files” button.
Deleting History
- Microsoft Windows users running Microsoft Internet Explorer 6.x and 7.x can delete their history files by clicking the “Tools” menu, “Internet Options”, and clicking the “Delete Files” or “Delete” button. Users also have the option of automatically deleting files each time they close the browser window by clicking the “Advanced” tab and checking “Empty Temporary Internet Files folder when browser is closed” under the “Security” section.
- Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.x users on an Apple Macintosh can delete the history by clicking the “Hard Drive” icon, “System”, “Preferences”, “Explorer”, and moving the history file into the trash.
- Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.02 and lower users can delete their history by clicking the “View” menu, “Options”, open the tab “Advanced”, click the “Settings” tab, and click the “Empty Folder” button.
Mozilla Firefox users
Viewing History
- Press Ctrl + H to open the left-side history bar.
- or Click History at the top of the window.
- or Users using earlier versions of Mozilla Firefox can also view their history by clicking “Go” and clicking “History”.
Deleting History
- Mozilla Firefox users can clear their history by clicking the “Tools” menu, “Options”, clicking the “Piracy” button, and under “History” click the “Clear” or “Clear Now” button.
Netscape users
Viewing History
- Microsoft Windows users can view history by first opening Netscape and click the “Edit” menu, “Preferences”, “History”, and view the location where Netscape is storing your files. Next, open this folder within Explorer.
Deleting History
- Netscape users can delete their history files by clicking the “Edit” menu, “Preferences”, “History”, and click the “Clear History” button
Quilting Support Group Helps Clients & Their Families
Next Door’s Support Groups build resilience and self esteem, minimizing damaging long-term effects that prevent people from living healthy, productive lives. Support Groups recognize the strengths of each participant and cultivate in clients the means to recognize and develop their strengths. Support Groups cover a variety of topics and run between 10-16 weeks with an option to continue further.
One of these support groups focuses on quilt making, where clients can socialize with other women, learn new things, and work on an enjoyable project in a safe and relaxing environment. If only for a couple of hours, these women can fearlessly express themselves and build self-confidence that they may have been stripped of at home.
“My mom is making a quilt for my brother Alex. And I’m making one for my little cousin. My mom helps me find fabric. And you choose what you like and not what other people say! And it makes me feel so happy that when we come I feel like staying there forever. I hope that you can come and make one for you or for someone.” – Your friend.
“This class has helped us to enjoy ourselves, to relax and for a couple of hours forget about our problems or even find solutions to our problems. Here, they make us feel valued and we can also realize that with a little bit of effort we can succeed, which sometimes we think is impossible.”
“I love this sewing class because I learn new things and I also get to relax. Also, by participating in this class, I have inspired my daughter to participate too. As a mother, I’m very happy and pleased because I see that my daughter likes the same things I like. Also, we can start projects together.”
Next Door in the Community
On Friday, October 8th, Mayor Chuck Reed and City Manager Debra Figone hosted San Jose’s 13th Annual Walk to End Domestic Violence. The annual event, which began at City Hall, brings attention to the issue of domestic violence and helps to raise awareness of this important topic. Hundreds of people attended the event this year, including several members of Next Door’s staff and supporters. Marching down the street and carrying the Next Door Solutions banner, we boldly stood up to domestic violence and made our presence known.
Throughout the month of October, Next Door held a series of fundraisers in various restaurants across San Jose. While the totals are still being counted, the amount of support we received from the community has been outstanding. We were able to raise awareness of Next Door, raise funds that will go towards helping our clients, and enjoy a meal with friends and family all at the same time! Thank you to everyone who attended one (or more!) of the events!
On Friday, October 29, Santa Clara County Supervisor Dave Cortese and the SCC Day of Remembrance Planning Committee came together to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The event was held to honor the victims of domestic violence and to spread awareness about how to combat future acts of violence. Next Door’s Executive Director, Kathleen Krenek, was integral in the visioning and planning of this event and was in attendance to memorialize those we have lost to domestic violence.
Too Realistic for Reality TV?
One of MTV’s highest rated shows is “Teen Mom”, a reality show that depicts the struggles young mothers face in their lives. On the show’s September 28th episode, viewers witnessed a violent fight between teen parents Amber and Gary. Amber violently kicked, punched, and slapped her boyfriend and father of her baby, all while in the presence of their 23 month old daughter. Almost more shocking than the physical acts of violence was the verbal abuse that accompanied it. Amber was shown calling her boyfriend “a fat piece of trash” and telling him that he would never amount to anything. The fight was harsh enough to warrant the attention of the Indiana police and Child Protective Services, both of which are currently investigating the fight and contemplating further action.
What happens when sensationalism becomes real life? At what point does the statistic that 1 in 4 young women are victims of abuse become too real to air on television? As instances of intimate partner abuse rise, so do their depictions on television. And the debate is real: is domestic violence on the rise due to nonchalant portrayals in the media or is the media just a reflection of what’s going on in society?
In contrast, “Abusers” is a new intervention reality show that was recently announced to be in the early production stages. Producers of the show claim that it will depict real-life cases of domestic violence and offer counseling and support for both the abuser and the victim. According to its press release, “Abusers” does not intend to sensationalize domestic abuse but instead wants to help educate the public on an often taboo topic. The series is still being shopped around to major television networks, so only time will tell how influential and informative a show like “Abusers” could be.
While I see the benefits of bringing taboos out into the open, I’ll remain skeptical about “Abusers” until the final product is aired. There’s a fine line between education and exploitation; a line that can be easily crossed despite good intentions. To avoid approaching into shock value territory, “Abusers” needs to show the viewer that stopping violence between intimate partners isn’t as simple as stopping the physical hitting, as “Teen Mom” Amber promised she’d do. Rather, it’s about transforming a pattern of behavior and stopping abuses of power.
What’s your opinion – do you think “Abusers” will be able to realistically display the cycle of domestic violence in a non-exploitive way, or should networks shy away from airing these abusive scenes?